my life is in a state of disarray

I had a teacher who said that, once, and it was immediately inscribed in the Book my friends and I kept of the things he said that we found amusing. We found him amusing a lot--but mostly laughing at him, not with him. 16 was not an emotionally mature age for me. The word "disarray" still triggers this memory--in fact, this is the only thing I remember him saying, though we had copied down pages worth. And it's not even that funny. Maybe it was all in the delivery.

My life is currently in a state of disarray. Michael is moving out this week. That's all anyone reading this here needs to know; the details not for public consumption. But I seem to be compelled to record this turn of events. I wrote about the beginning of our relationship, so it seems fitting that at the very least I mention its end.

And I must mention my very excellent friends, who, though scattered across the world, are proving their excellence in many ways -- from offering retreat to sending care packages to leaving the comfort of their own homes to just sit with me. I realized a couple weeks ago that I have never experienced a breakup while having such a strong support network, and it's really making all the difference in the world. That I met most of these friends via this blog again merits mention.

In a very short period I have gone through just about all of the stages of grief and have come out at Acceptance. This is a death; it's the death of a relationship I had thought stronger than it was, and it is sad, and I will be sad for a while, but I can also see that being sad about the end of this relationship is better than being sad in the relationship which, through the clarity of hindsight, I have discovered was the case. In fact, I have discovered that it has been a really, really, really long time since I have been genuinely happy. And that's due to more than the broken relationship -- that's due to a number of factors that need sorting and cataloging (the process of which has already begun).

I'm staying where I am, geographically speaking, for as long as I can. I'm still so besotted with my neighborhood that I can't think of leaving it. I've put a lot of work into the apartment already, and frankly, I'm looking forward to doing more with the space. The decision to stay has required some belt-tightening and creative financial maneuvering and a whole new internal dialog about where I am and where I could be career-wise, but regardless of what happens I am financially able to stay where I am, and that's a comfort.

Comments

[Gina]

I am so sorry to read this. I hope you can feel my hug from here.

[alison]

Love you. xo

[Wanda]

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's tough, but you will pull through it. Every relationship isn't always meant for the long haul.

[heather]

gah - wishing i were still in new york so i could give love and hugs in person. thinking of you and always here if you need anything.

[Kathy]

I am SO SO sorry and thinking of you. I was just thinking of you and the NY crew today (Rhinebeck related thoughts). I will send some healing thoughts. Chocolate will help. xoxox

[Marlena]

Reading this entry was a little like reading my own life. I also just ended a relationship in which I had been unhappy, and found myself surprised a little by all of the support I've gotten from so many people. I'm thinking of you!

[Dr. Steph]

Hugs.

So sorry too. Take care okay?

[Norma]

Well, hell. I am just catching up with this, Michelle. I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner to figure this out. I missed this entry and was oblivious -- it must have been one of those days when I just "mark all read" out of being overwhelmed with the blogs -- and then didn't notice.

This is a biggie. It sounds, though, like you're handling it as well as can be hoped. I also noticed it sounds like you're working from home? That's a change too, right?