my life is in a state of disarray

I had a teacher who said that, once, and it was immediately inscribed in the Book my friends and I kept of the things he said that we found amusing. We found him amusing a lot--but mostly laughing at him, not with him. 16 was not an emotionally mature age for me. The word "disarray" still triggers this memory--in fact, this is the only thing I remember him saying, though we had copied down pages worth. And it's not even that funny. Maybe it was all in the delivery.

My life is currently in a state of disarray. Michael is moving out this week. That's all anyone reading this here needs to know; the details not for public consumption. But I seem to be compelled to record this turn of events. I wrote about the beginning of our relationship, so it seems fitting that at the very least I mention its end.

And I must mention my very excellent friends, who, though scattered across the world, are proving their excellence in many ways -- from offering retreat to sending care packages to leaving the comfort of their own homes to just sit with me. I realized a couple weeks ago that I have never experienced a breakup while having such a strong support network, and it's really making all the difference in the world. That I met most of these friends via this blog again merits mention.

In a very short period I have gone through just about all of the stages of grief and have come out at Acceptance. This is a death; it's the death of a relationship I had thought stronger than it was, and it is sad, and I will be sad for a while, but I can also see that being sad about the end of this relationship is better than being sad in the relationship which, through the clarity of hindsight, I have discovered was the case. In fact, I have discovered that it has been a really, really, really long time since I have been genuinely happy. And that's due to more than the broken relationship -- that's due to a number of factors that need sorting and cataloging (the process of which has already begun).

I'm staying where I am, geographically speaking, for as long as I can. I'm still so besotted with my neighborhood that I can't think of leaving it. I've put a lot of work into the apartment already, and frankly, I'm looking forward to doing more with the space. The decision to stay has required some belt-tightening and creative financial maneuvering and a whole new internal dialog about where I am and where I could be career-wise, but regardless of what happens I am financially able to stay where I am, and that's a comfort.

Comments

[Faith]

So sorry you have to work through this type of transition, but so glad that you have a strong support network and the ability to stay in your space.

Best of luck in your emergence on the other side.

[ivete]

I'm sorry to hear it but it seems like you're dealing as well as can be expected. Good luck with everything!

[rebecca]

Oh, Michelle! I'm so sorry! I am glad, however, that you have loving people around you.

[Carole]

I'm sorry things have gone in this direction for you. I wish you comfort in the days to come. And perhaps some George Eliot.

[Brooke]

I'm very sorry that you are going through this difficult time. However I'm glad that you have a strong network of friends to comfort and support you. It really does make all the difference in the world.

[anne]

Oh crappers! That blows. I'm so sorry, but also hopeful that good things will come. XOXO

[nipper jenn]

<3

You know the emergency pie is there whenever you need it. ;)

[Susan]

I'm so sorry, but glad to hear that you have so much support. I'm sending good thoughts your way.

[cari]

love, love, love

[laurel]

Two words: craft room!

[Nathania]

Sending lots of love from afar. So sorry.

[stinkerbell]

so sorry to hear about that... if you want to grab a coffee, take a wander, go knit in a cafe or photo fun things let me know :)

[linda p]

Aww, I am so sorry to hear that Michelle. Glad you have lots of good friends nearby.

[maggi]

Aww, dang. I'm sorry. I don't suppose you're coming down to MSW so I can give you a hug? Maybe I'll find a fibery hug to send you. Glad for your good peeps ~ they make all the difference. XXO

[maryse]

oh geez. i'm sorry. but i'm sure it's for the best. i wish you luck in getting your life back into a state of array. it sounds like you'll be fine.

[regina]

I'm glad i got to spend some time with you last weekend. If you want/need to talk, i'm here. Sending you big love.

[Jennifer]

I'm very sorry to hear your news. I wish you the best.

[Rachel H]

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time, and hope you're able to find the happy you deserve again.

[Jeanine]

I'm sorry to hear this. I wish you clarity and patience during this time. Hugs.

[Carrie]

Hugs to you, Michelle. I'm so sorry, and I'm so glad you have lots of great people to help you through the sad.

[Wen]

My heart goes out to you lady, for having to wade through the suckage. But, having waded through the suck myself ( so. much. suck.) I can tell you the other side is pretty awesome. I can't wait for you to get there.

[Lee Ann]

Wow. Darlin', all the love in the world to you. I'm thinking of you and hoping that you come out the other side of this feeling truly yourself, truly fabulous. Because you are. Truly. Fabulous.

*snuggle*

[Mandy]

Michelle,
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but happy for you that it sounds "self-actualizing" (that's a phrase from a teacher, to go with the phrase from your teacher).
You definitely deserve to be happy, not just happy enough, or not enough happy.

[Laurie]

Change is hard. Emotional change is harder. The blog support systems ARE incredible, and I'm glad you can lean on yours.

Read "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert.

[P-la]

I don't know what I could possibly add to what has already been said. I send you virtual hugs, though!